Understanding and Embracing Your Shadow!

I’d like to begin with a quote by J.R.R. Tolkien to set the mood of this discussion, “You can only come to the morning through the shadows.”

Shadows are interesting things. In our physical world, a shadow is a dark bleak silhouette of our being, stretching out below us. And although a shadow may look similar in shape to the person from whom it is cast, it reveals no details about that person. You can’t tell how rich that person is, you can’t tell what color eyes they have. You can’t tell if the person is a saint or a thief. And, our physical shadows cease to exist as soon as the light that gives them shape is taken away. Our colloquial language is full of sayings regarding shadows. When one hears of someone “lurking in the shadows”, images of shady evil happenings flood to the mind. To hear that someone is “scared of their own shadow”, however, conveys a meek timid person who is foolish to fear something so harmless.

What if I were to tell you that you have a second shadow? A spiritual shadow—and unlike your physical shadow, simply turning the light off doesn’t make this shadow go away. In fact, it allows it to grow and become more and more powerful. Because this shadow isn’t a mere reflection of our physical being. This shadow is composed of all of our emotional baggage. All of that negative energetic ammunition that we’ve stored away, that we’ve hidden so no one will ever find us out. It is a belief that we have that we never share. We dare not speak it. These are shadow beliefs. A shadow belief is an unconscious belief we have about ourselves that directs our life choices and limits us in what we create in the world.

There is something wrong with me. I cannot trust anyone. I’m not lovable. I don’t deserve to have what I want. Love does not last. I am worthless. How many of us cringe when we hear these things spoken out loud? How many of us hear these very words, or some variation, in our heads day in and day out? And how are we programmed to deal with these thoughts? We’re taught to suppress them, to deny them. We dare not dwell on them for fear of giving them even more power. We put on our happy face and hope and pray with all our might that no one will ever find out how we really feel.

Unfortunately, this is one of the biggest mistakes we can make. Because simply ignoring these thoughts as best we can doesn’t do a single thing to weaken them. In fact, the less we focus on them, the less we let them cross into our conscious mind, the more they are there, vibrating with absolutely no restriction, turning our darkest beliefs about ourselves into our reality.

We’re all familiar with the Law of Attraction, right? Like attracts like. Positive attracts positive, negative lures negative. We’ve all been taught that if we want something, a new car, a new love, a new job, we can bring it to us. We just need to believe in it. Imagine already having it— spend time each day meditating, chanting, running through our mantras and our affirmations and eventually, without fail, we’ll get what we’ve been envisioning. Well, the Law of Attraction works on the level of the shadow as well. But guess what? You don’t have to do any of that work. No, because the shadow operates at our subconscious level.

As a hypnotherapist, this is my domain– the subconscious mind. How many times during this speech have you told yourself to breathe? Have you been remembering to tell your heart to beat? No? Hmmm, well who has been controlling your body if not you? It’s that somewhat dormant, hidden aspect of you that is truly in the driver’s seat. Your subconscious mind does the driving and your conscious mind picks up the pieces & deals with the consequences of its cautious or, perhaps, reckless driving.

And much like you don’t have to sit around chanting “inhale… exhale…” in order to survive, you don’t have to spend a lot of time thinking “I don’t deserve companionship” in order to vibrate that energy into a reality of isolation and loneliness. In fact, you don’t have to spend a single second on it. Left alone, this shadow belief will continue to vibrate within our being, pulling to us things that match up to that belief.

I see some of you squirming in your seats already. Maybe this is hitting home. But maybe some of you aren’t totally convinced just yet. Maybe you don’t believe that you have any of these nasty little shadows.

Well, it’s simple enough to find out. All we have to do is look at how the world is treating us. Is your outer world loving? Are you being provided for financially and emotionally? Is your health good? Or perhaps your outer world seems critical or mean. Maybe you don’t feel appreciated. Maybe your outer world seems un-approving, unsupportive or draining.

I’ve found in my work as a hypnotherapist that it is very often the case that the very things we feel we are not getting from our world are the very same things that we aren’t giving to ourselves. Now think about that. Really take a moment and reflect on that statement, for that is the magic of our Holographic Universe– as above so below, as in the outer, so in the inner.

There is a very well known phrase “KNOW THYSELF”. But what does this really mean? Know what you like, know what you don’t like? Know your place in the world? Know when you need to bite your tongue so you don’t bite the head off your significant other? Sure, all of those things. But I also think it means so much more. I think it means really turning inward and embracing your own shadow.

So are we born with these shadows? Not really. We’re born with the capacity to store these shadow beliefs, but they are not a part of our instinctual makeup. They usually do come about early on in our lives, however– sometimes self-imposed, but usually triggered by someone we see as an authority figure. And very often, this aspect of our beliefs is constantly screaming out “Face me! Face me!” but we dare not face it. Instead, we try to ignore it and hope that it will go away, but it does not. Instead it exerts even more power and control over our life. – What we resist, persists.– As Debbie Ford puts it, “Why do good people do bad things? The overweight woman, perpetually on a diet, who eats sensibly at mealtimes only to binge uncontrollably in private, the wealthy actress who can afford anything she wants, yet gets busted for shoplifting– what is the hidden mechanism that drives us to sabotage the relationships and dreams that we hold most dear?”

Why do the things we promised ourselves we would never do again seem to be stuck on a constant repeat cycle? Why does it constantly seem that we are being directed in the opposite direction than where we truly want to go? It’s all due to your shadow. That part of you that seems unlovable, untouchable, and embarrassing. That part of you that you, at some point, decided was unacceptable and should be hidden away.

But what if I were to tell you that this very same aspect that is currently exerting such negative power in your life is also perhaps the greatest teacher, guide and wise friend you could ever have asked for? This companion has been with you through all your years and always been present with one and only one purpose– to challenge you and awaken you to your magnificence and beauty.

The best way to illustrate this is to share my own personal love affair with my shadow. When I was very young, probably around 4 years old, I was playing in the yard with a neighborhood friend, who was probably twice my age. Although not a parent, he was definitely, in his own right an authority to whom I listened and believed unfailingly. So, as we played, I saw, for the very first time, men in a truck driving along our street, tossing black bags into the back of their truck. I stood, watching these men in action, wondering what they were doing. So I asked my friend. “Well,” he began, as he put his hand on my shoulder, “when little kids like you are bad, their parents put them in those black bags and those men come along and take you away.”

Suddenly, I didn’t feel like playing anymore. I was devastated. I sat in my room that day, in stunned disbelief that my parents could very well one day put me out on the street to be hauled away by total strangers. Soon, that disbelief turned into certainty. And that certainty soon grew into fear. I knew, without a doubt that one day, my parents would get so mad at me that they would quite literally throw me away. So, I resolved then and there to be prepared for it. I told myself that my parents didn’t really love me. I figured that the more I could convince myself of this, I’d be less scared when I was stuffed into that bag, waiting to be tossed into the truck with the other bad children.

And this childhood belief soon grew up to be my own adult shadow belief. Mine was “I am unlovable.” And it wasn’t until I met someone who refused to be pushed away that I had to finally turn inside and face that statement. And that is something on which I am still working, investigating, and embracing. But the more work I do, the more I realize that once you fully embrace your shadow, you realize that it has been desperately trying to assist you all along. All it has ever wanted was to be heard, to be acknowledged. Once you stop pushing it aside, ignoring it and denying its existence, you see that it’s actually a beneficial aspect of our lives.

Think if you will, of being in a pool. You have a beach ball– all inflated and bouncy. And you take this beach ball and push it under water. What happens? It flies to the surface. And no matter how deep you push it, no matter how hard you hold it under—nothing will keep this beach ball from serving its purpose. It was designed to float. That beach ball is your shadow. The more you try to fight it, the more it is going to fight back. And, in fact, by fighting against it, you are actually altering its purpose—and therefore, instead of reaping its many blessings, you are actually only manifesting more experiences that further reinforce what the shadow is. Ultimately, it isn’t trying to do you harm, it’s merely trying to get your attention.

For me, I know that my shadow belief of being unlovable has given me numerous blessings. On its simplest level, my shadow taught me how to build emotional walls, but once embraced; I realized that the real skill it had given me was the ability to set clear boundaries. And this skill is vital for the work I do as both a therapist and a psychic. I met someone whose shadow belief led to an amazingly astute ability to maneuver past people’s walls and develop strong interpersonal relationships– and that ability is what allowed me to finally believe that I could be loved. Our shadows were ideal complements of each other. Being able to set boundaries has helped me stay devoted to my education; stays focused on building my practice, & develop friendships that are virtually immune from petty arguments.

To tie this all up, I have to tell you that no two people’s experience in embracing their shadow is ever the same. It’s a process. For some, it’s almost second nature to embrace them and grow—others spend almost their entire life raging against it. Some people may have a few shadow beliefs, while others are a virtual plethora of these unconscious thoughts. Once you embrace your shadow belief, it never truly goes away; instead, it begins to work properly for you. After all, it is your refusal to embrace it that leads to those negative consequences. And we are never immune from these shadow beliefs. Even in our adulthood we can form new ones or perhaps even become plagued by an old one that we’ve yet again tucked away and tried to deny.

I encourage you to go home tonight and spend some time investigating your own shadow. Use the quotes I’ve provided for you as inspiration. Really allow yourself to turn inward and just like that beach ball, as soon as you let go, your shadow belief will come to the surface. Just remember that it is not something to fear. It’s not something to hide or something of which to be ashamed or embarrassed. It is merely a part of you through which you can become complete and whole—the very best you that you can be.

From a speech given on January 14, 2007 at Tower Memorial Church in Magnolia, WA (Directed Focus – David Zarza) adapted and inspired by Debbie Ford, Carl Jung, Neale Donald Walsh, Wayne Dyer and many others.